What Not To Do When We Argue?

For most people, the way they argue when the problem comes is not always healthy. Besides yelling, bring up irrelevant things or start to say extreme, hurtful words with the purpose to hurt the other person.

And we know the result of all these things just builds up for the next fight.

Positive arguing, I think that what we all want to know how to do it, well its not easy like we think compare the reality that we have to face, but at least we wan to try the healthy argument to build the healthy relationship, Here are the 2 important things that we need to learn.

1. Clear out any misunderstanding you and your partner might have
   

   Tell what you think and what you feel. For example when you argue and your lover says: I think that you really selfish. When that happens, don’t try to answer it with “how about you, what is the good thing about you?” try to ask calmly “why do you feel like that?” is there something I did that make you feel like that?

What you must try to do is clear both of your minds. If you think what your lover said is not true, you also need to add another explanation which part that you think is not true. Both of you has to talk. Remember, explain with clarity and listen to each other. From there maybe you can find the source of the problem. Don’t let your self get emotional, that will only make things worse.

2. Need to know each others needs.

Remember to ask your lover “what do you want me to do to make you satisfied?” or tell your love what you need, what he or she has to do to make you satisfied.

Most people, after they fight, both parties seem to forget the initial reason they are fighting. In this situation, what is really needed is clarification.

For example, when your lover says: You don’t pay attention to my feelings. You can ask “what can I do, so you can feel good?”, and when they say “I hope that you more often is with me” And you can ask “How many days in a week do you feel that I pay attention to you?”

Don’t feel that the effort to clarify the problem a silly thing, when you think like that, you will never solve the problem.

Try to think like this, if your lover says “I hope that if you have time, please stay with me” and if you answered “its impossible for me to be with you everyday, how about 3 days a week, can you accept that?”

Can you see it? Is it the beginning of good communication? When you answer that, maybe your lover can think that what what they asked makes sense and wan to make a compromise with you. This type of communication is more useful than fighting

Here’s what not to do when you have arguments:

• Avoid the problems that you can’t change
  

  Like your lovers body shape or they make so little money, etc.
  

  If you are the one who got this from your lover, I advice you to answer it with calmness. “I know I’m like that, that’s who I am, talking about this problem, is not helping our relationship at all. So lets we talk about something that we can do, what we can change?”
  

  If you push your lover to do something that’s impossible for your lover to change just adds the feeling of lack of accomplishment. If your lover needs therapy (like of an emotional character, alcohol, depression, etc) you have to help them to find alternatives from an expert.
  

• Don’t bring out problems in the past. Just talk about the problem for the future in your relationship.
  

  In the fighting process, don’t talk about what you don’t like in the past, its just creates negative emotions for both of you. If it comes up say this: “What happened in the past, happened, now let’s talk about what we should do to face what happened now, and what we should do better.”
  

You can give your solution method, see if you lover can accept it or not, or maybe your lover want you to change, try to find like what?. You can also ask your lover what they will do to solve the problem, see if you can accept that or you said what you wish for. If you find the same problem in the future, what both of you need to do? That sentences will be a key of argument. from emotional way become a solution way.

• Don’t cut your lover’s words
  If you always cut your lover’s conversation, it will be easy to make them angry and the effective communication becomes so hard to achieve.
  

  What you need to do is listen first until your partner has said what they want and then make a clarification. If you think what they talking about is not in order, ask them to talk about one problem at a time.
  

  And after they finish talking, you can repeat their thought and make a confirmation. Usually the emotional condition of your lover is reducing because you can understand their feeling. Its important to make your partner understand that they can share their thought with you freely.
  

  And If it happen to you, say to them “if you cut my words, how can I explain what I think?” and if they still do that, you can tell them that you can’t communicate with them because they always cut your words, if they wan to continue this communication ask them to let you talk what’s on your mind until finish, if they won’t, just continue tomorrow. Don’t waste your energy to fight and argue.
  

  Keep that principle, until they respect your words, and if that finally happens, you can continue arguing with good communication.

• Don’t fight when you are over-emotional.
  

  When both of you in this emotional condition, its not good if you increase your voice and says words to hurts your partner. When that happens, your communication absolutely fails. What you do is only throw your anger to each other face. Wait until both of you cool down and then you can continue again.
  

  Avoid fight or argue in the situation below:
  

1. When driving a car.
   
2. In early morning after midnight.
   
3. After drinking alcohol.
   
4. When your body feels not fit and exhausted.
   

In all situations, it’s easy to get emotional, like a gasoline that easily gets lit, and when you start fighting, its easy for you to start yelling and of course its so useless and only bring bad things to your relationship.

If your partner try to find you to fight and argue, and push you to fight, tell them that their emotion levels are too high and your communications will result to nothing. Take time off to talk again tomorrow, until they release their anger.

In the relationship, we can’t avoid to fight and argue. But only if you fight healthy , you can build the relationship, increase understanding and make both of you feel closer. As long as you can find the perfect essential of fighting, it will give lots of advantage for your relationship.

WHAT TO REMEMBER

Make all the misunderstandings clear. You have to know what you need and tell them what you think and feel with clarity.

WHAT NOT TO DO

1. Avoid the problem that you know its impossible to change.
   
2. Don’t bring in old problems, talk about the problem for the future.
   
3. Don’t cut off your partner words, listen until they finish talking to hear what they think.
   
4. Don’t fight in unstable emotion.

Hope we can always find the best solution from our problems